Ellen’s story

I was 28 weeks pregnant and I had to leave my retail job in order to isolate. I was petrified to leave the house as there was so much uncertainty around how Covid could affect pregnant people. 

Then came the birth. I had to stay on my own in the hospital while my husband waited in the car, until the moment I went into surgery. 

Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I lost 3.5 litres of blood. I had so much scar tissue from my previous caesarean that they had to make the incision elsewhere to get to my baby. 

Then, my placenta and bladder had fused to the insides of my womb, there was internal bleeding. I had to have a blood transfusion. 

All of this was going on and I still didn’t even know what my baby looked like. I asked the doctor if I was going to die.” 

I spent three days in hospital recovering from birth trauma on my own while responsible for my newborn baby. My husband was allowed to visit for less than three hours the morning after our daughter was born. 

When I was discharged from the hospital, I had an open wound from a drain which later got infected, as well as my c-section scar. 

Once we were home, we were on our own. There were no visits from midwives or health visitors. Although we had check ins over the phone, it felt like there was no support. 

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want my new baby on me due to my wounds. I didn’t want to breast feed. I was struggling with the emotions of having a newborn and a two and a half year old. I couldn’t work out how to divide myself into three to look after all of us. 

When my baby was eight weeks old, I was on the phone to the health visitor and I just broke down. 

I didn’t want to harm myself or my children, but I had the thought of if I didn’t wake up, it wouldn’t have bothered me. 

The health visitor advised me to call the GP who diagnosed me with post-natal anxiety, post-natal depression and PTSD. 

He prescribed me with antidepressants, six weeks of counselling and baby massage classes to help with the colic. But again, these were all virtual sessions. 

I never left the house with my daughter. I could never soothe her so I stayed indoors. I took my son to nursery, but then she and I stayed at home every day. 

I saw online a new free group Home-Start Suffolk were running at a local family hub which you had to book onto each week. I felt if I booked onto it, I would feel more inclined to go. 

The day of the group came and I forced myself to go. By this time, my baby was almost two. In that whole time, apart from family or the odd person we bumped into on the nursery run, my baby had not met anyone else.

I went to my local Home-Start Suffolk group every week for few weeks. 

That was the real pivotal moment where I could see the benefit to my baby. We were bonding and I could see in that environment my baby was thriving. It literally became my favourite time of the week, our favourite time of the week. 

One of the Home-Start Suffolk Family Coordinators had mentioned volunteering opportunities to me. 

I looked into it and signed up to offer telephone and group support. I didn’t want to do home-visiting support as the thought of going into someone else’s home scared me. 

I was telephone supporting a family. I saw so much of myself in her situation that I decided I wanted to support her through home-visiting as well, so I took the additional training. 

This mum needed emotional support, feeding, bonding and a sound board. 

I then took on another family and went with her to a group every week. She didn’t have the confidence to take her child to the group so I helped her grow her confidence and to form connections with other mums. 

Volunteering helped me boost my confidence in my own abilities and to put myself out there, in adapting skills and in learning new skills. It’s made me more open minded and I now know not one size fits all for parents. 

I then applied for a job at Home-Start Suffolk as Volunteer Recruitment Officer, which is the role I hold now at the charity. I have a passion for recruiting other volunteers to support mums like me. I want to inspire other people to volunteer using my story. 

It takes a lot to admit you are struggling, I did not like my child. I thought what kind of mother doesn’t like her own child. I loved her, but I didn’t bond and I didn’t like her. The guilt still comes now that I ever felt that way. 

I just want mums to know that they are not alone. I always thought I was the only one going through this. Parents suffer in silence and that’s not sustainable for yourself or you children. 

Without that simple thing of going to that group, I don’t know where my life would have taken me. I wouldn’t have the bond I have with my daughter. I wouldn’t have volunteered and I wouldn’t be sitting here in this job role. My life could have looked very different to what it is now.”

Ellen now flies the flag for Home-Start Suffolk in her role as Volunteer Recruitment Officer. 

If Ellen’s story has inspired you to find out more about volunteering with us please make an enquiry by calling 01473 621104. It will be Ellen that you will speak to!